Assumptions

assume you’re not gonna call back —

trauma says, “Why would you?

Don’t you see my flaws?

Don’t you see my fears

written out in flowers and bulbs?”

 

Ballpoint pens do not lie

like the rest of the world,

like my mind hearing you say

I am pretty, or I am adventurous,

I am, I am…

 

How about you tell me for a change,

don’t let me give my hopes up

but chase me instead–

I know that’s problematic.

But we’re both runners.

You’re faster

(I don’t like admitting that).

 

I assume — don’t you see

and the truth is if my mastery of sound

bites is greater than your impatience

for the uncertain, maybe I have a chance…

Maybe you have a chance…

 

Because I see, too.

I do.

If you just talked out of your ass

that’s one thing — but you paused,

read your thoughts, chose your words,

and said them! To my face!

In a bed, three years of friendship

between us.

 

I will not go skiing.

I will not go see your band,

or whatever men are up to

in a year or two.

I will add you to a list of what-ifs

but fuck-yous,

and I will see you again–

in passing, not friends.

 

You can’t just lay half your heart

out on the table, my friend.

I can’t, but you can, so you did.

Because it’s easier.

Because you’re not as brave as you look.

 

Are our hearts not supposed to

break a little,

after every lost moment?

Are we supposed to minimalize them,

untethered,

dead grandma in a shack,

bury her before the police comes — run! run!*

 

At least I have a beautiful line to carry with me.

No one has ever told me I look like a painting.

Or maybe they have…but not lying on a bed.

 

Because it’s not a big deal, right?

Little lapses of judgement

where heartache dissipates,

feelings exhale, share themselves

outside their owners

what a privilege to be the one

the thoughts were about,

to be there, ready, receiving?

 

A fucking painting.

Yes.

We all are, no?

 

*Last night I saw the film Shoplifters and it was truly great. This line refers to the movie – apologies for the possible spoiler – you should still go see the movie!

 

January 11, 2019

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I Don’t

I don’t want to talk about it–

all I will do is let my emotions get in the way

I don’t want to talk about it–

so let the bad blood flow, let it stay

in the same spot it stood yesterday

when I realized that I’ve been living in two worlds,

never realizing that they make up one life.

I don’t want to talk about it–

the fear of being wrong, of being imperfect

will let that dog remain a stray

I will say “I’m sorry,” and “I’m sorry,”

and “I’m sorry,” until it feels like that’s all my lips

have ever said– even if I’m really sorry

for shitty mistakes, broken masterpieces,

pretending that I can make everyone happy

at one time.

Worlds collide, because we only live in one world.

You think that I’d know that by now.

So I don’t want to talk about it–

just accept my flaws as they are

and I’ll continue to read your insecurities on the page

like you read mine so long ago.

I don’t want to talk about it–

but from looking in your eyes,

we already have.

June 13, 2015