An Apology

Does it feel like I’m standing on a pedestal,

lining up facts to throw at you

like pies in the face:

wham,

wham,

wham?

 

Is that where the education you sacrificed

so much to get me has left us?

One longing to be understood;

one in another world,

where fathers raise belts

and call their daughters stupid

and cheat on their wives,

make their daughters believe it,

even at 55?

 

Is that why you look away?

I feel threatening,

on another plane,

a plane you do not think

you are capable of reaching?

 

I am sorry, mom.

I never meant to make you feel alone,

abandoned, like he did.

I never meant to shut you out of another world.

 

He was wrong.

Look at all the choices you have made:

look at all you have created for yourself,

for your children.

 

I want to look you in the eye,

tell you you are smart before beautiful,

that it is okay to talk about difficult times

and keep going with no interruptions

until you run out of words.

 

I want to tell you how proud I am of you,

how lucky I am to be your daughter.

 

What different lives we have lived,

both birthed from the same stone.

 

We are humming, we are singing,

and we will dance, hand in hand, soon.

 

November 22, 2018

I Don’t

I don’t want to talk about it–

all I will do is let my emotions get in the way

I don’t want to talk about it–

so let the bad blood flow, let it stay

in the same spot it stood yesterday

when I realized that I’ve been living in two worlds,

never realizing that they make up one life.

I don’t want to talk about it–

the fear of being wrong, of being imperfect

will let that dog remain a stray

I will say “I’m sorry,” and “I’m sorry,”

and “I’m sorry,” until it feels like that’s all my lips

have ever said– even if I’m really sorry

for shitty mistakes, broken masterpieces,

pretending that I can make everyone happy

at one time.

Worlds collide, because we only live in one world.

You think that I’d know that by now.

So I don’t want to talk about it–

just accept my flaws as they are

and I’ll continue to read your insecurities on the page

like you read mine so long ago.

I don’t want to talk about it–

but from looking in your eyes,

we already have.

June 13, 2015