I called Allie and told her:
First kisses aren’t supposed to be good, right?
But can I think of kiss with a man that was “special”?
Some felt special…but I never understood why.
With her though…
I felt a hunger beyond thought,
beyond practice —
beyond expectation and protocol.
Do I feel that way with men?
Or is it more me practicing a movement,
an excitement, a momentum I’ve been taught?
The idea of being with her is more all encompassing
than I have felt for anyone else.
But I still know, deep in my soul,
that Adam Levine is hot as fire
and I would have been with Charlie in a heartbeat…
that it’s fun to dominate a guy,
and that I can do it well– ask them.
But am I aching for their touch?
Even with all those long term crushes?
I could play this game all day, comparing
when I’m actually comparing
and there is not much more to it than that.
The soft skin — it’s real.
The emotional connection — it’s real.
Wanting to call you, she, they
that is something I know
I would never want to call a man,
even before my pink brain understood feminism,
before I had a reason to ask Charlie to a ball,
or chase Dan around a school yard.
It just feels more right —
and yet I have practiced this with men all of my life –
how many of us are there?
Chasing people we can never love around a globe, around a city.
It’s unfair to everyone involved, really.
Will I never be with a cis-man?
Of course not.
I have loved men before and I am sure I will again, statistically.
To every bisexual who has every wondered if they were just gay or a lesbian…even when you’re confident in your identity.
October 12, 2019