Alone
in my head
how did this happen again?
Afraid of myself
more than anyone else
afraid of my mind’s tricks
like the devil
part of me runs,
part of me nourishes.
External realities
versus internal dimensionality
my vulnerability
got me everything good
and everything bad
trust my mind–
it is strong,
then flies out the window.
All I can do now
is observe the mess I am in:
feel the anxiety,
the past pain,
the current waves of doubt
and listen to the monster truck
of thoughts roll through my head
as if it was the last track in the world.
Perhaps this is the most natural thing:
to let up, to let it win and lose
and nothing and everything
to let the stories be
to let the suicide be
to let my knowledge free
to let my wisdom bring
me the greatest joy I’ve ever known:
the expanse of life
growing in and out
nothing the same at any moment
love blossoming in my bones
while fear eats my mind–
it’s just one iteration
of the human condition,
is it not?
So eat away,
my friend fear…
I’m not sure what role the pills will play
but life can’t get away
simply because experience and temperament
created a shift in my thinking
understand that this is still
my gift of a body
and I respect its reaction–
mind, body, and soul connected–
to the darkest corners of life…
sweet loneliness turned sour
and still with age, abandonment
of reason with one phone call,
one bad dream…
and still the pure light of tomorrow…
the pureness of now.
April 1, 2016
More than anything, this is a release of thoughts and feelings surrounding mental health and my own struggles/my family’s struggles and experiences (the mention of suicide, a phone call and pills allude to a tragic family event) with the topic.
You are never alone, no matter what unfolds in your life. It can be difficult to find meaning out of suffering and loss, but it is, indefinitely, part of the human condition…and through the cracks, love and art can find their way out.